I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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