he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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