ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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