i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
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