I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
