Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
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