I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I have tasted many bathrooms
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