you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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