we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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