you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
