Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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