Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Randomize
