I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
