i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
