This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
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