Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize