the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
