I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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