I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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