one might say we're banned from that church
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
