She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
