Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
