I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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