dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
