K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
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