How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
