Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Randomize
