I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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