happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
