I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize