apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Randomize
