he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
