he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
