just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
