I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Randomize
