You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
organizing the empties. That sober.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
