I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
