Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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