it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
