Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Found your dick twin last night
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
