Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
