she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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