Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I supernannyed him into submission
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
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