I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I don't deserve a penis
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
