Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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