Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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