well I can't set my house on fire every night
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
