Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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