i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
