Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
you never un-have a 4some
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
