i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
