So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
