All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
