Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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