I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
