woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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