I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
