singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
