how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
