I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
