I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
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