I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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