My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
