Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
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