im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Randomize
