Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
