I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
