Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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