She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
My ass is underappreciated
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
